A collection of writings and drawings from our Clients
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Drawing by: Natasha

MY HEART
My heart is torn into pieces.
I’m pulled apart every day.
People play in my mind and tell me what to say and how to move.
They play in my blood and drink my soul.
They tear my heart out with their razor sharp nails.
They rip my eyes out and sew my eyelids shut from reality.
They stab me with their hooks and play me as a freak on strings,
with a frozen rope around my neck.
They bite my nails out with their teeth, as if I was something hated.
They tell me I am crazy!
They step on me because I am a wall to throw their shit on.
They tie me to a post and watch me burn.
They laugh with happiness.
The shame of me will run like blood through the cracks of hate.
They’ll be my God.
Strapped down in the rubber room. no one to see me cry or see the demon’s eyes.
Seeing a beam of hope, I’ll follow it to a pit of shit.
Screaming while they throw me in a pot of their drugs, their fear, and their madness, not seeing that they created me.... the one they hate.
They made me. They hurt me.
When I try to fight, my mind might as well die ‘cause I’m just a body with everyone in my head controlling me.
I’m a white spot in a world of black hate.
I’m their shit and they will burn.
                     Amanda
                     December 1998


Drawing by: Natasha

AS I AM SO WILL YOU BE
As I am so will you be.
I did smile and cry, but then I died.
So will you!
As you are so was I.
I did smile and cry, but then I died.
As I am so will you be.
You will join me in the dark hole,
and that’s how it’s going to be.
Don’t worry, it’s not so bad.
Don’t worry. Don’t be sad.
Be happy! Be Glad!
You’ll be with me for ever and eternity!
That’s how it’s going to be.
                           Amanda
                           December 1998



Drawing by: Kristen

MY DAD IS STRESS
I’m afraid when he goes away,
he’ll never come back another day.
I know I shouldn’t think like that,
but I know for a fact it will come true.
My dad is stress.
He feels he won’t survive too because of who he is, I guess.
He tells me not to draw bad things, but it is what I feel.
He doesn’t help.... he always says he wants to give up.
I hate it when he talks about his dying,
like just talking about overdosing on his pills by accident!
                               Amanda
                              December 1998


by: Harley

FRIENDS
I’m sitting in my corner talking to my friend.
When people see me they think I’m crazy.
They don’t understand how I am.
What’s wrong with me?
Can’t they see?
Just ‘cause I stand and talk to my friends they see me looking at the wall.
But, I am not. I’m talking to Paul.
It’s really weird in here. My walls are all fluffy and white.
You hear people screaming and shouting at night.
In the morning men in white coats come in here giving me pills.
They say I am ill.
I don’t understand... what’s so wrong with talking to my friends?
                                                       Amanda
                                                       December 1998


by: Harley

WISH
I wish I was like a fish under the sea.
No danger to foretell.
No heaven or hell.
No religion to be.
Only to be who and what I want to be.
No good. No bad. They’ll be the same.
No work. Just love to gain.
No abuse. No refuge.
Just love and care... no polluted air.
Like a school of fish we should be,
not like savage dogs biting for defeat.
I wish we all could be loving, caring, hopeful fish under the blue sea.
                               Amanda
                               December 1998


by: Harley

I AM TRAPPED
I’m trapped between walls.
I fear there is no help at all.
So, I scream and cry.
I fear for my life!!
No one hears me, for I’m in my mind, so they say.
But to me...I seem ok.
They give me pills to heal my illness.
It doesn’t seem to work!!
I see the men in white coats.
I try to run - there’s no hope.
I’ll take a sharp knife to end my life.
I’m trapped between four walls.
There is no hope for me at all!!
I tried to understand,
Alas, no helping hand.
So.... to hell with it!
I’ll proceed with my plan!!
                         Amanda
                         December 1998


by: Harley

I HATE BEING A WITNESS
You can’t go anywhere.
You can’t see anybody, not even one of your best friends!
You can’t date!!
You can’t see your relative’s houses because they are not in the same religion.
If I had friends I could see places. I could go. I would be happy.
But I am bared down by stupid ass religion!
I hate it!!
I should be dead ‘cause it feels the same way.
I hate my life. I wish I could just leave... matter of fact, I am.
My parents don’t understand how I feel.
They think I am a horrible person, ‘cause of the people I hang around with.
Me and my friend Christina were fighting. I had no one to talk to.
The horrible thing is that I have to sneak around to talk to anyone.
I can’t be bared down.
I need friends!!
That’s why God put other people on the earth.
                            Amanda
                            December 1998

I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
I really don’t know what to do. I love Jehovah, of course.
I know this is the right religion, but I want to be free.
I hate being tied down.
Can’t talk to this person. Can’t do this. Can’t do that.
I hate it !!
I hate the Kingdom Hall. It’s so boring.
All they do is repeat themselves.
They think I’m trash!!
I would go to Cabool. I would get a job to pay for the gas.
I have lots of friends there.
I would go there every time, no matter if even Uncle Joey had something to say about it.
I bet I would have a better life.
Who says I would smoke? I haven’t for a while ‘cause I made a promise on the bible.
I love to stay at Uncle Joey’s. It would be so close to my friends at the Kingdom Hall.
I would probably turn religious!!
                       Amanda
                       December 1998

I KNOW YOU WON’T MISS ME
As I look down that black, cold, silver hole... I see my future.
I see me in a grave on a cold day.
As I squeeze the pointed and curved trigger to my life,
the tears of pain and grief will fall and hit the sin ridden ground.
As my heart pounds for the last time I will say,
“God, please bless me and say everything will be okay.”
I hear the click of the fatal weapon that echos for eternity.
I scream! I breath!
I pray for my life’s last day!
I pull the trigger slowly and think “here goes my pain of slow suffering.”
“Goodbye life. Goodbye me. Goodbye everything!”
“I know you won’t miss me!”
BANG... the pain is gone for now!!
                       Amanda
                       December 1998

I COME TO TAKE YOU HOME
I’m the dark soul in my long black robe.
Here I come to take you home.
As I glide to your crying side, I will take your last life’s breath.
“It’s your time... please don’t whine.”
“I know you wanna to stay, but life is unfair always.”
“So, relax and try to think that God may give you another chance.”
I’m the dark soul in my long black robe.
“Here I come to take you home!!”
                       Amanda
                       December 1998

AWAY
I’m the little voice in the shallow grave where blackness paves my way.
I want to escape, but there is no way.
I try to face the day, but deep down I want to run away.
“Help me!!” I say over and over as my tears become blood.
Help me get away, but the light I ran after seemed to go away.
I sat there wishing for a way, but the day faded away, so
I went back down my black paved way to my old shallow grave to await the next day.
                      Amanda
                      December 1998